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Knowing Nothing Is Better than Knowing At All

As usual, I have a song playing in rotation in my head. Today it's The Used - "On My Own."

I guess in today's case, it echos the way I feel. I am sure everyone will interpret this song differently, but for me, it's a song about loneliness and how it's sometimes better going through things alone. Maybe because no one will understand, or because it's familiar... I tend to "hold it all inside." 

I feel like a lot of us go through life without truly feeling or living. I know I try to live rather than go through the motions. Others are able to go through life without questioning anything and they accept everything as it is so willingly. I sometimes wish I were one of those people. But I question things... I regularly take a step back and reflect, look at it all from the outisde. And most often I feel empty, like there's a loss of purpose. 

I pray for a change, but I don't know what for, I just know something is amiss. Then I ask myself, do I really want an answer at all? What if I figure it all out and I don't like the answer? What if I stop feeling and thinking and just accept everything... Will I be happy? Will I feel contempt? Will I feel "found?" 

Evidently, my life is good. I have a good job. It may not be my dream job, but I have money. It's a stable income. I don't go hungry. I have a roof over my head. My family is good to me. I have plenty great friends. So why do I feel this loss?

I don't expect an answer overnight. I know that it's probably that I should be doing more with my life... Perhaps I need to find something to do to fill the void. I am not materialistic. I know wealth will not cure this. I may be single/alone, but I prefer it that way. Until, that is, the right guy comes along... No, being single, that's not my issue. If I found "the one" today I would probably still feel like something's amiss. And I definitely don't want to put this on anyone else.

I think the worst part of feeling this way for me, is that I am alone in it. Alone in feeling this way at least. I have plenty of people in my life, but none who know this feeling. I assume this is why I gravitate towards the arts. While my work keeps my brain occupied with numbers and the logical side of things, I need to use my imagination too. Einstein once said "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

Perhaps exploring other parts of my brain/personality a liitle more will make me feel less out of place... For now I continue to sing "On My Own."

 

Lyrics: On My Own

See all those people on the ground,

Wasting time...

I try to hold it all inside,

Just for tonight,

On top of the world,

I'm sitting here wishing,

The things I've become,

But something is missing,

Maybe I...

What do I know.

And now it seems that I have found,

Nothing at all,

I wanna hear your voice out loud,

Slow it down, slow it down,

Without it all,

I'm choking on nothing,

It's clear in my head,

that I'm screaming for something,

Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

On my own (4x)

(On my own, YAH!!)(2x)

Without it all,

I'm choking on nothing,

It's clear in my head,

that I'm screaming for something,

Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

On my own (4x)